Silly horse A random insight into the mind of someone who should know better

Today I travelled into the fens to visit my hometown, Downham Market. Although I now think of Cambridge to be ‘home’ when I visit my parents, Downham is my original hometown. It’s always tricky for me to go back to Downham as there are a lot of contradictory feelings mixed up in there. For a long time I didn’t go back at all because I couldn’t face it. Now I’m older I recognise my responsibilities to the relatives that still live there and I feel my duties quite keenly. I still get a sense of foreboding when I get on the train though. In typical fen style it was a frosty morning and the mist hung low over the great flat expanse. From the train I saw some horses and hundreds of white geese in a field, apparently travelled from nearby Welny to feed during the day.

My dad greeted me off the train as usual and we went to my Grandma’s house. All the ornaments are in the same position as they have been ever since I remember. Sometimes I find this comforting and sometimes creepy. After lunch we walked round the town. I always forget how close together everything is. In my imagination there are much greater distances between places like the Hollies carpark and the Clock. I went through a phase of dreaming about this place often, while I still found it hard to go back. So ordinary, just walking round through the precinct and round to Clackclose estate where Grandma lives.

In real life everything is just as the dreams, the same pull between familiarity and displacement. Dad and I went to look round Peacocks, Boots, Tesco and Reeds the furniture store. The Peacocks and Tesco both arrived after I left town but have already taken on an air of nostalgia. I find it odd that my Dad wants me to look in Tesco and then remember that Tesco counts as exciting in Downham. In Reeds I remember the day I left Downham to move away to Cambridge and took a new bed with me for my new room.

I don’t know what I find more depressing - the few shops that have closed down and are now boarded up, or the ones that are still there and don’t appear to have changed in 20 years. I swear there are things in the windows of the Stock Shop and AT Johnsons that have been there gathering dust all that time. The town was very quiet today and there were only a few people braving the chill for the 5 or so shops that were open. Mainly elderly couples and a few youths. I didn’t see anyone I know.

It’s only recently that I’ve come to realise that this is not a typical hometown experience. I thought most people left town at the earliest opportunity and would do anything not return. It’s surprises me, makes me happy and jealous all at the same time to learn that this isn’t always true. There are towns and villages where the whole community comes together at Christmas time, to drink with each other, share their news and their lives and have fun. Even if the young people have long since moved away to strike out on their own, they’re still drawn back every year and they all come together once more.

To me, Christmas has always been a time to draw away from friends, not towards them. I leave my London life behind and hibernate in a quiet time of TV, wine, my two parents and sometimes my brother. Everyone I knew in Cambridge has moved away, let alone Downham.

So I think I can be forgiven - just - if I seem churlish and begrudge these people in their other towns and villages their community spirit this Christmas. It’s just that I never had it and that makes me sad. Maybe sometime there will be a chance for me to join in with someone else’s. Until then it’s back to my books and my days of solitude, dreaming of when I can get back to real life again.